May 12, 2009

Deep breath!

God, I'm terrible! And 'god' as in frustrated NOT the God. I have only attempted the piano once to test it out and I was interrupted by the Piano child genius who promptly helped me play the first few bars! Thank god he didn't burst into the whole song!
I will get there thou! Tomorrow I have no afterschool commitments, so we will see how we go!
One major set back - again no sleeping well.....hard to get to sleep, waking up still! Hmmmm.....I think it may be becasue I have restarted watching Grey's Anatomy and am watching it my room, instead of the lounge, I have read somewhere that you should never eat, work, read, or watch TV in your room - it is purely for rest!
Oh welcome back the days when I would collapse exhusted onto my bed at 8pm!
One positive thing is that a friend has told me that the old Amy has returned! I am back to myself...hmmm...I have no motivation for work or out of school....haha, oh well at least I am laughing smiling and am in at least someones good books!
Bring the world on!

May 5, 2009

Time to read

Well, being in the Philipines really helped to destress myself, however it also gave me ALOT of time to reflect...hmmmm.....not a good idea for the depressed I found out. I think I handled it realatively well....but I guess my travelling companion can only really be the judge of that! While sunning ourselves on the beach I was able to start a book about the dreaded diagnosis and was pleasantly surprised to be laughing at parts and discovering new things. The journal is helping and I even have a new idea for an art piece, that is prgressing slowly and has derived from the song lyrics 'This is me'. Yay, let's cross fingers it keeps going somewhere! My first art piece in a few years........ Also, the book mentions starting a time diary of your day, writing down, food, drinking and drug habits. Well, you can scrap the last one, I have never been an avid pill user and I hate needles. The others are VERY relevent....coping mechanism for living where I do! Not keen to put too much pressure on myself with my 'assignment' journal and keeping another, I am putting it off and starting on another suggestion - music. Already a HUGE music listener and fan, it talks more directly about playing an instrument.....Piano.....my return is near....watch out! I have been haunted by the tuants of 'Fur Elise' (Beethoven), so I have printed it out and hope to start on the keyboards at school today - not quite the same as the real thing but I can't complain! We'll see how I go!

April 7, 2009

Out the window!

Well the feelings rating hasn't really worked but was is working is talking with a friends who is a trained social worker.
With the lack of English speakers here it is really hard to find anyone decent to talk to, what I mean by that is that it is recommended that I go to a counsellor (how American do i feel right now) but of course I am not keen on that, still thinking I am fine!!!
Luckily she comes in every Friday and luckily I have been having an hours spare time to sit and chat with her about everything. The best thing about it is, really it is just a chat and I can talk to her about it all, mainly because she is going through it herself.
Everything I am worried about - my first major lull, Dad not really accepting it, my brother having a meltdown, not even being able to know my triggers and still struggling with the fact that i actually have anything - is being discussed and is able to be told to me straight!
THANK GOD!
I am almost at the point where once a week isn't enough! Yesterday on a day off (Tomb sweeping day of all things) I had so much to do and was busy doing it, but I got down, really down, so in the true spirit of me, I called some friends to come around for an hour and a glass of NZ sauv. Due to a number of things was still weird and left me with a funny feeling and I even started over analysing things!
Paranoia anyone?
I have even sworn off action for the time being as I no matter how much I may want it at the moment, I really don't think it will be good for my situation and my confidence I am sure will take a dive right down to insecure and self pity land!
Definitely NOT needed right now.
I have been given an assignment to do, involving a journal. Luckily because I have lost my art focus, drive and creativity I am not stuck with writing but drawing and art pieces, eg collages.
We'll see how it will go,
Disorder and creative block - watch out here I come!

March 26, 2009

Starting the dreaded feelings rating

I am not well. I never thought that I would say this or even do this but maybe it is a good thing: 1/10 I can't pull myself out of it - I got out and exercised, met a friend for a light dinner and drink last night and still I could hardly get out of bed this morning or can hardly put a smile on my face. God only knows why? Today is going to be a struggle, I can tell! I an NOT a fan of backwards steps! DAMN IT!

March 25, 2009

Hitting the wall

Last night I had the best night! I had biked to and from school, the weather was warm, I had finally used my kitchen for the first time in what feels like months and had enjoyed a healthy meal and a glass of wine, watching a new DVD TV series. Great night - relaxing - no problem....
Until I went to bed. All of a sudden my body went up tight and I tossed and I turned! The funny thing was I knew what I had to do.
Recently I had moved all of my 'depression' books from my bedside table to my book shelf in my spare bedroom - the pressure of them being beside my bed and unread had got to me. As soon as they were gone, I was relaxed and back to sleeping well again. So last night I got up and went and got one of the books to read.
As I came out of the spare room, I burst into tears - this gave me a huge fright as I wasn't feeling down at all and did not see this coming.
I think that this was my realisation point - I am depressed.
Hmmm, who would have guessed....but I think that that is precisely the point. I have been feeling so normal these last few weeks that I have not thought about the fact that I have depression and apart from taking the pills daily have not thought about it at all!
There lies the problem!
So now I am armed and dangerous, carrying with me my new knowledge and perspective - I read the book cover to cover and have another one lined up.
All I really hope is that I am one of the ones who recover and don't spiral down.
One thing is for certain - I am desperate to try and get rid of my black dog - He is so sneaky!

March 18, 2009

Need for concern?

Things here at school are not going so well, the place is in crazed turmoil and the staff are even resorting to taking it out on each other, including friends!
I have now got myself in such a wee panic as I am left wondering if I am really coping with any of this?
Last term when all of these were happening, even when I was trying to look at things positively and do things to help, I got...well, that's how I got where I am now. So why am I still sleeping at night, not feeling at rock bottom, tired, frustrated and reacting like everyone else? The school is an absolute mess and a nightmare all rolled into one and here I am sitting here like 'I'm cool', 'I'm ok with things', 'I'm dealing'.
It almost feels like I have to retrain myself to know how I should be reacting or feeling towards these things.
Is it the pills or am I just working myself back to my old self and not letting work things effect me without dealing with them or if things are out of my control?
Too many questions....maybe I'll let this one slide too!

March 16, 2009

Oh, the places you'll go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to great Places
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don't Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around and back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of guy! Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'casue you'll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, sown the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up may a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! So... be your name Buxham or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way! I couldn't have said it any where near as well! Good on you Dr.Seuss!