Sweet dreams?

Since taking 'The Nemesis' I have not had a straight through sleep. Luckily I am able to fall straight back to sleep, however my dreams have been extremely vivid and very full of reality!

Ones of being home in NZ, with normal situations, doing relatively normal things. It's very weird, I even wake up and have to decipher if these things have happened or if they are just parts of my dreams - that is how real they are!

It has been very crazy and leaves me wondering if this is normal, considering topping up your brains seratone levels with a pill is not quite that normal in itself!

The art of sleep

I have never been a big one for going to bed early and find it hard to fall asleep if I try to be good and hit the hay early.

However in the last few weeks I have been exhusted as soon as it gets to abobut 8pm and am asleep in bed by 9! Granted due to 'The Nemesis' I wake up 1-2 times during the night, falling straight back asleep however, but for me this is virtualy unheard of.

I mean , I have never been a very late to bed person (11 on a weeknight, being a bit naughty) but this is very wierd, but to be honest, a very welcome side effect.

In terms of side effects I really hope that this is what it is and not the fact that a close friend has broken up with her boyfriend and helping to keep her mind off things and busy is not the real reason.

Bring on the trial and the sleep, soon I will be ready to conquer all!

The lack of......

I had an interview yesterday with a school in Hong Kong and people kept asking me 'Are you nervous', 'Do you feel prepared'.....and I had no answer for them....I really felt nothing!

It took me awhile to realise that this is probably an effect of 'The Nemisis' and not becasue I am a self involved person who does not need to worry about important interviews with schools in Hong Kong (a market VERY hard to break into!). My only wish is that my blazeness did not present itself in my interview. However, this aside, I think that it went quite well and if I don't get the job it will be because of inexperience with PYP and team teaching with a Mandarin teacher (a very interesting concept).

What worries me though is my lack of feeling. This is the only way I can describe this feeling - a lack of. It's like my whole body is a sea of calm that is not prone to reacting.

I have had a pretty tough week with timetable changes, the Aussie bushfires (friends, friends missing and died) and after 1 year of being here not being able to go on a PD course - that's going to look great when I am looking for a job! However, none of this has phased me and I am stating to people 'Man, I am angry' however not really feeling that feeling....at all!

I am going through a dual feeling: my old self (very happy and lively) or a quiet, unmotivated feeling (this one is only when alone (usually early morning in bed). Even then however, I am searching for a reason why I can't get out of bed, knowing what it is but not really feeling the feeling of it............this is VERY strange!

The only consulation is being me again! A great feat in such a short time....even if it is becasue of the little white pill!

Being pro active

I have decided to be proactive and very precise about it all. I have purchased 5 books which have been promised to arrive in the next week or so:

1. Sunbathing in the Rain: A Cheerful Book About Depression - Gwyneth Lewis
2. I Had a Black Dog - Matthew Johnstone
3. Living with a Black Dog - Matthew Johnstone
4. Taming the Black Dog: How to Beat Depression - A Practical Manual for Sufferers, Their Relatives and Colleagues - Patrick Ellverton
5. SOD-IT: The Depression 'Virus' and How to Deal with it - Martin Davies

Hmmmmmmm, not really my kind of reading but I am very keen to find out what other people may think about it all and what things that I have not thought about to put in place.

A few of these books made me laugh.....I mean a cheerful book about depression? The books by Matthew Johnson are fantastic, my ex had one given to him by his Mum when he was going through the worst parts of that year.

Part of me wonders if I am really that bad, considering I am willing (?) to look into it more and find out some more information....it almost feels like I am phony! Haha, a phony sufferer of depression.....an interesting concept.

As my brother put it so eloquently - "Well, they don't just give them to everyone!"

Only time will tell.....in the mean time, bring on these books!

The Nemisis

Today was interesting. It was the first time since I have been back that I did not want to get out of bed. It was a very strange feeling - knowing that I had to, nothing was wrong, but not physically being able to. The battle was finally won and I had to calm my rising panic down and realise that the world would not end if I did not make it to school before 7.30am. After putting it off and putting it off, before I walked out the door it was time to take 'The Nemisis' - the name I have affectionately dubbed my little white pain in the ass, reminder of a pill! The first few days of taking this I was in NZ and the first thing I thought about in the morning and I really strugled with taking it. On getting back to China, I started making a wee ritual out of it and taking it with all of my 'hippie' natural pills (spiralina, Vit C etc). This morning was a huge step backwards........ Being a non pill taker - no headache is ever diagnosed with a Panadol - this is one huge struggle. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and one day soon, this wee pill will be one that I let glide over my head everytime I take it and come to terms with the fact that I really do need it. At the moment my thoughts are still - really?

How can you be serious?

I have no idea where to start. It really was the shock of my life. How could I, the bubbly, lively, social, adventurous girl, living in China have this great big shocking blackness hanging over her?

Apparently I do! I have a great family back in New Zealand, I have had a lot more challenges than what I am facing now, I have managed anything that comes my way easily and I have always been organised but laidback, a combination that has beena winner so far.....what happened?

Even I can't tell you. This is the point of me writing down these things. I need to get down what is going on with me, how I am feeling and dealing, if and what it is affecting in my everyday life and the BIG issue....hopefully conquering this BIG black dog!

I know little about this 'illness' (?) and will be fumbling my way around for awhile, I don't pretend to know anything, just what I am exeriencing and how I am dealing with it all

This is my journey.