May 12, 2009

Deep breath!

God, I'm terrible! And 'god' as in frustrated NOT the God. I have only attempted the piano once to test it out and I was interrupted by the Piano child genius who promptly helped me play the first few bars! Thank god he didn't burst into the whole song!
I will get there thou! Tomorrow I have no afterschool commitments, so we will see how we go!
One major set back - again no sleeping well.....hard to get to sleep, waking up still! Hmmmm.....I think it may be becasue I have restarted watching Grey's Anatomy and am watching it my room, instead of the lounge, I have read somewhere that you should never eat, work, read, or watch TV in your room - it is purely for rest!
Oh welcome back the days when I would collapse exhusted onto my bed at 8pm!
One positive thing is that a friend has told me that the old Amy has returned! I am back to myself...hmmm...I have no motivation for work or out of school....haha, oh well at least I am laughing smiling and am in at least someones good books!
Bring the world on!

May 5, 2009

Time to read

Well, being in the Philipines really helped to destress myself, however it also gave me ALOT of time to reflect...hmmmm.....not a good idea for the depressed I found out. I think I handled it realatively well....but I guess my travelling companion can only really be the judge of that! While sunning ourselves on the beach I was able to start a book about the dreaded diagnosis and was pleasantly surprised to be laughing at parts and discovering new things. The journal is helping and I even have a new idea for an art piece, that is prgressing slowly and has derived from the song lyrics 'This is me'. Yay, let's cross fingers it keeps going somewhere! My first art piece in a few years........ Also, the book mentions starting a time diary of your day, writing down, food, drinking and drug habits. Well, you can scrap the last one, I have never been an avid pill user and I hate needles. The others are VERY relevent....coping mechanism for living where I do! Not keen to put too much pressure on myself with my 'assignment' journal and keeping another, I am putting it off and starting on another suggestion - music. Already a HUGE music listener and fan, it talks more directly about playing an instrument.....Piano.....my return is near....watch out! I have been haunted by the tuants of 'Fur Elise' (Beethoven), so I have printed it out and hope to start on the keyboards at school today - not quite the same as the real thing but I can't complain! We'll see how I go!

April 7, 2009

Out the window!

Well the feelings rating hasn't really worked but was is working is talking with a friends who is a trained social worker.
With the lack of English speakers here it is really hard to find anyone decent to talk to, what I mean by that is that it is recommended that I go to a counsellor (how American do i feel right now) but of course I am not keen on that, still thinking I am fine!!!
Luckily she comes in every Friday and luckily I have been having an hours spare time to sit and chat with her about everything. The best thing about it is, really it is just a chat and I can talk to her about it all, mainly because she is going through it herself.
Everything I am worried about - my first major lull, Dad not really accepting it, my brother having a meltdown, not even being able to know my triggers and still struggling with the fact that i actually have anything - is being discussed and is able to be told to me straight!
THANK GOD!
I am almost at the point where once a week isn't enough! Yesterday on a day off (Tomb sweeping day of all things) I had so much to do and was busy doing it, but I got down, really down, so in the true spirit of me, I called some friends to come around for an hour and a glass of NZ sauv. Due to a number of things was still weird and left me with a funny feeling and I even started over analysing things!
Paranoia anyone?
I have even sworn off action for the time being as I no matter how much I may want it at the moment, I really don't think it will be good for my situation and my confidence I am sure will take a dive right down to insecure and self pity land!
Definitely NOT needed right now.
I have been given an assignment to do, involving a journal. Luckily because I have lost my art focus, drive and creativity I am not stuck with writing but drawing and art pieces, eg collages.
We'll see how it will go,
Disorder and creative block - watch out here I come!

March 26, 2009

Starting the dreaded feelings rating

I am not well. I never thought that I would say this or even do this but maybe it is a good thing: 1/10 I can't pull myself out of it - I got out and exercised, met a friend for a light dinner and drink last night and still I could hardly get out of bed this morning or can hardly put a smile on my face. God only knows why? Today is going to be a struggle, I can tell! I an NOT a fan of backwards steps! DAMN IT!

March 25, 2009

Hitting the wall

Last night I had the best night! I had biked to and from school, the weather was warm, I had finally used my kitchen for the first time in what feels like months and had enjoyed a healthy meal and a glass of wine, watching a new DVD TV series. Great night - relaxing - no problem....
Until I went to bed. All of a sudden my body went up tight and I tossed and I turned! The funny thing was I knew what I had to do.
Recently I had moved all of my 'depression' books from my bedside table to my book shelf in my spare bedroom - the pressure of them being beside my bed and unread had got to me. As soon as they were gone, I was relaxed and back to sleeping well again. So last night I got up and went and got one of the books to read.
As I came out of the spare room, I burst into tears - this gave me a huge fright as I wasn't feeling down at all and did not see this coming.
I think that this was my realisation point - I am depressed.
Hmmm, who would have guessed....but I think that that is precisely the point. I have been feeling so normal these last few weeks that I have not thought about the fact that I have depression and apart from taking the pills daily have not thought about it at all!
There lies the problem!
So now I am armed and dangerous, carrying with me my new knowledge and perspective - I read the book cover to cover and have another one lined up.
All I really hope is that I am one of the ones who recover and don't spiral down.
One thing is for certain - I am desperate to try and get rid of my black dog - He is so sneaky!

March 18, 2009

Need for concern?

Things here at school are not going so well, the place is in crazed turmoil and the staff are even resorting to taking it out on each other, including friends!
I have now got myself in such a wee panic as I am left wondering if I am really coping with any of this?
Last term when all of these were happening, even when I was trying to look at things positively and do things to help, I got...well, that's how I got where I am now. So why am I still sleeping at night, not feeling at rock bottom, tired, frustrated and reacting like everyone else? The school is an absolute mess and a nightmare all rolled into one and here I am sitting here like 'I'm cool', 'I'm ok with things', 'I'm dealing'.
It almost feels like I have to retrain myself to know how I should be reacting or feeling towards these things.
Is it the pills or am I just working myself back to my old self and not letting work things effect me without dealing with them or if things are out of my control?
Too many questions....maybe I'll let this one slide too!

March 16, 2009

Oh, the places you'll go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to great Places
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don't Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around and back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of guy! Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'casue you'll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, sown the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up may a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! So... be your name Buxham or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way! I couldn't have said it any where near as well! Good on you Dr.Seuss!

March 13, 2009

The announcement of bad news

How do you deal with the announcement of bad news when you yourself are having a rather black day and have no idea why?
I recieved some rather appualing news that is making the pit of my stomach do flipflops.....and I myself are having a rather blah day...could be something to do with the really, really bleak, never changing weather and a few other pressuring (?) things happening around me...or it might not...who knows?
I immediately rang the person it was happening to and tried to express my empathy (?) and just became a stumbling, bumbling mess. Thankgod for facebook where the staff members can comment on these things and we can write a short reply. Luckily alot of people are disgusted as much as I am and as surpirsed aswell.
I have had to deal with people fishing for information and I have had to tell them straight, not my place....do your own fishing elsewhere! It is not a nice feelings being a centre of turmoil, not knowing what will come out of left field next.
Bring on a therapudic shop - like that will really help- and see what the weekend brings......school carnival complete with happy, smiling, I love my job fake face....oh the joys!

March 5, 2009

Depression prejudice....and I don't mean the stigma kind!

Could it be that there is another kind of prejudice when it comes to depression?
The first is the obvious - misinformed or very narrow minded people who are judgemental etc but what about the people with depression. I would assume, only a newbie to it, that it would be like a brother or sisterhood - we are all in this together type of thing - a community of understanding. However, the other day I was proved dramatically wrong.
I was home sick after a trip to the hospital with the lovely China belly when a friend came over to pay a visit - such a lovely thought. We got to catching up as we had both been away to our home countries at Chinese New Year and I went on to tell her about what had happened. Now, I haven't told too many people and as she has been a constant friend since I arrived, I thought it would be the best thing to do as she is pretty straight up and a good confidante.
She promptly asked me what medication I was on, was it a mood enhancer or an anti depressant, abruptly asked me how many milligrams and then promptly told me that I was on nothing and her dose was massive and had been ongoing for 7 years or more..............and if I told anyone she would kill me!
Ok, I thought......ummmm.....hmmmmmm........how bad did I feel - not only did I not have answers to some of those questions but I felt like a child being teased in the play ground:
'My depression is worse than yours!', she calls! 'I'm on a higher dose than you' - 'You are such an exaggerator, why are YOU on the pills?'
Luckily I was able to brush off this comment, realise that it is just her personality and still (a little uncomfortably) realise that yes, I am glad I am on pills, because now my barriers are a little higher and I can accept this criticism and just laugh at it!
Depression prejudice - I just laugh!

February 23, 2009

Sweet dreams?

Since taking 'The Nemesis' I have not had a straight through sleep. Luckily I am able to fall straight back to sleep, however my dreams have been extremely vivid and very full of reality!
Ones of being home in NZ, with normal situations, doing relatively normal things. It's very weird, I even wake up and have to decipher if these things have happened or if they are just parts of my dreams - that is how real they are!
It has been very crazy and leaves me wondering if this is normal, considering topping up your brains seratone levels with a pill is not quite that normal in itself!

February 20, 2009

The art of sleep

I have never been a big one for going to bed early and find it hard to fall asleep if I try to be good and hit the hay early.
However in the last few weeks I have been exhusted as soon as it gets to abobut 8pm and am asleep in bed by 9! Granted due to 'The Nemesis' I wake up 1-2 times during the night, falling straight back asleep however, but for me this is virtualy unheard of.
I mean , I have never been a very late to bed person (11 on a weeknight, being a bit naughty) but this is very wierd, but to be honest, a very welcome side effect.
In terms of side effects I really hope that this is what it is and not the fact that a close friend has broken up with her boyfriend and helping to keep her mind off things and busy is not the real reason.
Bring on the trial and the sleep, soon I will be ready to conquer all!

February 19, 2009

The lack of......

I had an interview yesterday with a school in Hong Kong and people kept asking me 'Are you nervous', 'Do you feel prepared'.....and I had no answer for them....I really felt nothing!
It took me awhile to realise that this is probably an effect of 'The Nemisis' and not becasue I am a self involved person who does not need to worry about important interviews with schools in Hong Kong (a market VERY hard to break into!). My only wish is that my blazeness did not present itself in my interview. However, this aside, I think that it went quite well and if I don't get the job it will be because of inexperience with PYP and team teaching with a Mandarin teacher (a very interesting concept).
What worries me though is my lack of feeling. This is the only way I can describe this feeling - a lack of. It's like my whole body is a sea of calm that is not prone to reacting.
I have had a pretty tough week with timetable changes, the Aussie bushfires (friends, friends missing and died) and after 1 year of being here not being able to go on a PD course - that's going to look great when I am looking for a job! However, none of this has phased me and I am stating to people 'Man, I am angry' however not really feeling that feeling....at all!
I am going through a dual feeling: my old self (very happy and lively) or a quiet, unmotivated feeling (this one is only when alone (usually early morning in bed). Even then however, I am searching for a reason why I can't get out of bed, knowing what it is but not really feeling the feeling of it............this is VERY strange!
The only consulation is being me again! A great feat in such a short time....even if it is becasue of the little white pill!

February 16, 2009

Being pro active

I have decided to be proactive and very precise about it all. I have purchased 5 books which have been promised to arrive in the next week or so:
  1. Sunbathing in the Rain: A Cheerful Book About Depression - Gwyneth Lewis
  2. I Had a Black Dog - Matthew Johnstone
  3. Living with a Black Dog - Matthew Johnstone
  4. Taming the Black Dog: How to Beat Depression - A Practical Manual for Sufferers, Their Relatives and Colleagues - Patrick Ellverton
  5. SOD-IT: The Depression 'Virus' and How to Deal with it - Martin Davies

Hmmmmmmm, not really my kind of reading but I am very keen to find out what other people may think about it all and what things that I have not thought about to put in place.

A few of these books made me laugh.....I mean a cheerful book about depression? The books by Matthew Johnson are fantastic, my ex had one given to him by his Mum when he was going through the worst parts of that year.

Part of me wonders if I am really that bad, considering I am willing (?) to look into it more and find out some more information....it almost feels like I am phony! Haha, a phony sufferer of depression.....an interesting concept.

As my brother put it so eloquently - "Well, they don't just give them to everyone!"

Only time will tell.....in the mean time, bring on these books!

The Nemisis

Today was interesting. It was the first time since I have been back that I did not want to get out of bed. It was a very strange feeling - knowing that I had to, nothing was wrong, but not physically being able to. The battle was finally won and I had to calm my rising panic down and realise that the world would not end if I did not make it to school before 7.30am. After putting it off and putting it off, before I walked out the door it was time to take 'The Nemisis' - the name I have affectionately dubbed my little white pain in the ass, reminder of a pill! The first few days of taking this I was in NZ and the first thing I thought about in the morning and I really strugled with taking it. On getting back to China, I started making a wee ritual out of it and taking it with all of my 'hippie' natural pills (spiralina, Vit C etc). This morning was a huge step backwards........ Being a non pill taker - no headache is ever diagnosed with a Panadol - this is one huge struggle. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and one day soon, this wee pill will be one that I let glide over my head everytime I take it and come to terms with the fact that I really do need it. At the moment my thoughts are still - really?

February 15, 2009

How can you be serious?

I have no idea where to start. It really was the shock of my life. How could I, the bubbly, lively, social, adventurous girl, living in China have this great big shocking blackness hanging over her?
Apparently I do! I have a great family back in New Zealand, I have had a lot more challenges than what I am facing now, I have managed anything that comes my way easily and I have always been organised but laidback, a combination that has beena winner so far.....what happened?
Even I can't tell you. This is the point of me writing down these things. I need to get down what is going on with me, how I am feeling and dealing, if and what it is affecting in my everyday life and the BIG issue....hopefully conquering this BIG black dog!
I know little about this 'illness' (?) and will be fumbling my way around for awhile, I don't pretend to know anything, just what I am exeriencing and how I am dealing with it all
This is my journey.