Starting the dreaded feelings rating

I am not well. I never thought that I would say this or even do this but maybe it is a good thing: 1/10 I can't pull myself out of it - I got out and exercised, met a friend for a light dinner and drink last night and still I could hardly get out of bed this morning or can hardly put a smile on my face. God only knows why? Today is going to be a struggle, I can tell! I an NOT a fan of backwards steps! DAMN IT!

Hitting the wall

Last night I had the best night! I had biked to and from school, the weather was warm, I had finally used my kitchen for the first time in what feels like months and had enjoyed a healthy meal and a glass of wine, watching a new DVD TV series. Great night - relaxing - no problem....

Until I went to bed. All of a sudden my body went up tight and I tossed and I turned! The funny thing was I knew what I had to do.

Recently I had moved all of my 'depression' books from my bedside table to my book shelf in my spare bedroom - the pressure of them being beside my bed and unread had got to me. As soon as they were gone, I was relaxed and back to sleeping well again. So last night I got up and went and got one of the books to read.

As I came out of the spare room, I burst into tears - this gave me a huge fright as I wasn't feeling down at all and did not see this coming.

I think that this was my realisation point - I am depressed.

Hmmm, who would have guessed....but I think that that is precisely the point. I have been feeling so normal these last few weeks that I have not thought about the fact that I have depression and apart from taking the pills daily have not thought about it at all!

There lies the problem!

So now I am armed and dangerous, carrying with me my new knowledge and perspective - I read the book cover to cover and have another one lined up.

All I really hope is that I am one of the ones who recover and don't spiral down.

One thing is for certain - I am desperate to try and get rid of my black dog - He is so sneaky!

Need for concern?

Things here at school are not going so well, the place is in crazed turmoil and the staff are even resorting to taking it out on each other, including friends!

I have now got myself in such a wee panic as I am left wondering if I am really coping with any of this?

Last term when all of these were happening, even when I was trying to look at things positively and do things to help, I got...well, that's how I got where I am now. So why am I still sleeping at night, not feeling at rock bottom, tired, frustrated and reacting like everyone else? The school is an absolute mess and a nightmare all rolled into one and here I am sitting here like 'I'm cool', 'I'm ok with things', 'I'm dealing'.

It almost feels like I have to retrain myself to know how I should be reacting or feeling towards these things.

Is it the pills or am I just working myself back to my old self and not letting work things effect me without dealing with them or if things are out of my control?

Too many questions....maybe I'll let this one slide too!

Oh, the places you'll go!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to great Places

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don't Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around and back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of guy! Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'casue you'll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, sown the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up may a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! So... be your name Buxham or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way! I couldn't have said it any where near as well! Good on you Dr.Seuss!

The announcement of bad news

How do you deal with the announcement of bad news when you yourself are having a rather black day and have no idea why?

I recieved some rather appualing news that is making the pit of my stomach do flipflops.....and I myself are having a rather blah day...could be something to do with the really, really bleak, never changing weather and a few other pressuring (?) things happening around me...or it might not...who knows?

I immediately rang the person it was happening to and tried to express my empathy (?) and just became a stumbling, bumbling mess. Thankgod for facebook where the staff members can comment on these things and we can write a short reply. Luckily alot of people are disgusted as much as I am and as surpirsed aswell.

I have had to deal with people fishing for information and I have had to tell them straight, not my place....do your own fishing elsewhere! It is not a nice feelings being a centre of turmoil, not knowing what will come out of left field next.

Bring on a therapudic shop - like that will really help- and see what the weekend brings......school carnival complete with happy, smiling, I love my job fake face....oh the joys!

Depression prejudice....and I don't mean the stigma kind!

Could it be that there is another kind of prejudice when it comes to depression?

The first is the obvious - misinformed or very narrow minded people who are judgemental etc but what about the people with depression. I would assume, only a newbie to it, that it would be like a brother or sisterhood - we are all in this together type of thing - a community of understanding. However, the other day I was proved dramatically wrong.

I was home sick after a trip to the hospital with the lovely China belly when a friend came over to pay a visit - such a lovely thought. We got to catching up as we had both been away to our home countries at Chinese New Year and I went on to tell her about what had happened. Now, I haven't told too many people and as she has been a constant friend since I arrived, I thought it would be the best thing to do as she is pretty straight up and a good confidante.

She promptly asked me what medication I was on, was it a mood enhancer or an anti depressant, abruptly asked me how many milligrams and then promptly told me that I was on nothing and her dose was massive and had been ongoing for 7 years or more..............and if I told anyone she would kill me!

Ok, I thought......ummmm.....hmmmmmm........how bad did I feel - not only did I not have answers to some of those questions but I felt like a child being teased in the play ground:

'My depression is worse than yours!', she calls! 'I'm on a higher dose than you' - 'You are such an exaggerator, why are YOU on the pills?'

Luckily I was able to brush off this comment, realise that it is just her personality and still (a little uncomfortably) realise that yes, I am glad I am on pills, because now my barriers are a little higher and I can accept this criticism and just laugh at it!

Depression prejudice - I just laugh!